Friday, May 20, 2005

Choice or Coercion

How many women who have abortions are in situations similar to this?

On Monday Joe quit his job, and for two days he sat around the house in dirty pajamas playing video games. Tuesday night (wee hours of the morning) he told me it was over. He was leaving me (or rather, making me leave, because I was at his place) and he doesn't want anything to do with me or his child....

I have no support in continuing this pregnancy. My mother is pushing really hard for an abortion. I haven't told my father yet, but my mom swears he is going to disown me for bringing this shame upon our family. My friends all think I'm nuts. Even my best friend, who is the most pro-life radical I have ever met, told me that I should have an abortion...

But... this time it just doesn't feel right. I didn't mean to, but from the moment I saw two lines this has been my "baby" to me, not just a teeny-tiny mass of cells.

I know I'm not completely ready to be a mother. But who ever is? I don't have a lot of money, I work two jobs and still live paycheck to paycheck. I am a full-time college student and I live alone, which makes it harder to pay all of my bills. I bought a new car last year that I can afford just fine now, but not with a baby. I am paying for college myself, no grants or finaid, no scholarships, and I know that if I have this child I can kiss my degree goodbye- at least for the next several years...

I am so torn, so brokenhearted. I already love this child that is growing inside me so much- I love her even though my breasts are about to fall off they hurt so bad, even though I had to give up my beloved cigarettes, even though I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. I am already so protective of her, already planning how I am going to protect her from all the bad things and people in this world. I have no idea where I will ever find the strength to have an abortion. Not this time. But, I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to bring a child into this world that no one loves but me. It just seems such a horrible fate.

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