Thursday, November 03, 2005

The due date that would have been

On October 25, a pro-choice blogger who writes at Life of a Zygote, discussed her feelings about her past pregnancy and her abortion on the day that she would have been due.

Some excerpts:

Today I would have been a mother. Today I would have been sitting here uncomfortable and screaming at X that he did this to me. Today I would have met my daughter, but I am not. Very rarely in life are we offered a glimpse of what the road not traveled would look like, but today I see that very clearly. I can see how drastically one decision changed (or didn't change) the path my life was on. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in NY. I have daydreams and thoughts about it, but I don't know for certain what it would be like. I know where I would be if I had kept the baby and it‘s caused some strange emotions and quite a bit of confusion....

Today I am thinking about all the things I don't know because of the abortion. I don't know what it's like to feel a baby move. I don't know what it's like to not see my feet. I don't know what my baby girl would look like. I was so close to all of that, so close I could almost comprehend it. I haven't changed my view of my situation, I still believe the right thing, but today I am going to mourn my daughter. The laughter I'll never hear, the first smile I'll never see. Today I will honor her memory and all of the things I do know because of her....

All of these emotions feel tangible and accurate, but I wonder what it would be like to be the other girl. I wonder what would have happened. Would I be sitting there wondering what it would be like to be me? To wonder if I was ok. Would I be questioning how I would have dealt with the abortion. I wonder who I would have become and I wonder what it would have been like to see my child for the first time. Today I am sad.

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