"I don’t know why I didn’t leave."

At the blog Evolution of Chase, blogger Chase (who describes herself as pro-choice) is struggling with an abortion she had sometime in the last year (probably around 10 months ago). This was written at the end of September (language warning).

Mommy *sighs*. That could have been me. Mommy. I just want my child back and I can never have that. (Expletive), I am never going to heal from this. I’m just going to live in regret, agony, and tears for the rest of my life. I have no purpose. For a few fleeting moments my purpose was to be a mother and all that is gone now and I am left with nothing. And the would-be daddy? He didn’t give a (expletive). He just wanted me to kill it. He never cared one ounce about his child I was carrying. He didn’t want the responsibility even though he was physically and financially able to give his child the life it deserved. So now here I am. Alone. Empty. Utterly empty. Nothing can replace the child I wanted more than anything when I found out I was pregnant. But that chance has passed and now I am left alone. Crying. Alone. Inconsolable. I no longer have a purpose except to be miserable.

She describes why she had an abortion here.

What is making it so difficult for me is the fact that I didn’t want to have an abortion. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted the baby. I knew I couldn’t handle an abortion, I knew I didn’t want one, I knew as I sat in the clinic crying I should leave but I didn’t. I got on that table crying, shaking, being told by the nurses I needed to calm down so they could give me the anesthesia. It was horrible. It was traumatic. I don’t know why I didn’t leave. I let TK convince me if I did it everything would be OK, that he was going to take care of everything and make it better. I knew in my gut that was not going to happen. I knew I shouldn’t abort my child but I wanted to believe in the impossible. I wanted to believe that if I did it magically TK and I were going to have some kind of wonderful relationship. We didn’t have a relationship before I got pregnant, why would I think we could have one after? I longed for what I had never had – love, family, someone to be there for me. I knew if I kept the baby TK was going to shut me out so stupidly I did what he asked me to, I aborted my baby.

Her due date was August 3.

Here she discusses her problems with finding counseling.

Searching for counseling I’ve found two main schools of thought in the majority of practices. First is the more religious approach. Ask god for forgiveness, name your baby and have a funeral for it, return to the church an enlightened “forgiven” pro-lifer. Um no. The second is the non-apologetic approach. I should be happy I had an abortion. I did the right thing by not being selfish, I should feel empowered by my decision and shouldn’t regret it. Well, that’s not me either.