Monday, September 28, 2009

"it was the best kept secret of my life"

At the blog a lion all my life, Selinaaa discusses her abortion (language warning) and what lead to it.
i didn't cry, i didn't do anything really. i just sat there on the toilet with my mouth wide open. completely aghast, it never occurred to me to keep my child. almost immediately after realizing that i was really pregnant with this shameless (blank) CHILD i began to think about how to get money to get rid of it. i called several places and the price was pretty much $400 dollars.

what i hate to admit was that he had everything to do with me aborting my child. i let him have so much of me to begin with, that i was willing to let him have the inside of me too. i only thought to myself, "how on earth can i tell him, he won't even look at me", "how can i keep the child of a guy who's ashamed to even be my friend", "how can i keep this baby if he doesn't even (blank) accept a myspace (blank) comment from me?"

it was the best kept secret of my life. no one knew what i had done, no one knew the decisions i had made- which was a terrible idea because i just got sucked right back into feeling sorry for myself. "no one knows what i'm going through, life is so sad" blah blah blah. and around and around i went. i started coming up with baby names. IF i had my child i would name it this and that. for some reason i wanted to name my son Garces and my daughter Lourdes Pilar.

it wasn't until two years after my abortion that i started thinking about myself. what it meant to me to have a child and what it had done to me to get an abortion. i still don't know.

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